- What would you like colleagues at LSE to understand about the fertility treatment journey?
I think there are a few key things which it is helpful for colleagues to understand about fertility treatment and how it impacts those involved.
Firstly, I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand how it impacts an individual or couple at multiple levels of their life/lives without having gone through such a process oneself, but empathy and sensitivity (as in most situations in life!) are really key here.
The main things I would want to convey from my personal experience are:
1. This is - in a lot of cases - a medical treatment for a medical diagnosis. I am not sure if it's always recognised in such a way. I know that when I started to share with others that I was going through IVF, the (albeit well-intentioned) response I was often met with was 'How exciting!'. This couldn't feel further from the truth for someone going through this very uncertain and intense process and that made me feel incredibly lonely and alienated in how I was feeling.
2. It is worth acknowledging, that it is truly remarkable that such science exists to give people the hope of having a child, but the truth is – it does not guarantee someone a baby. It gives someone the possibility of this and – sadly- in some cases (mine included) there are factors at play which may make the chances of success slim. This can mean that the journey often brings with it a great deal of uncertainty and in my case (and I am sure this will resonate with others) associated mental and emotional stress and challenges throughout the process.
3. The processes involved are not only challenging on a physical level, and the journey can involve several procedures (multiple times) which may or may not result in a pregnancy or successful birth, but also on a psychological level. It felt to my partner and i, like being in a continuous grief cycle. Not only did we have to grieve multiple losses along the way, but the loss was felt at other levels too: loss of identity and sense of ‘self’, grieving what we thought/hoped our future may look like etc. It can feel like standing on the outside looking ‘in’ and watching the lives of others’ move on whist you feel completely stuck. It can also feel all-consuming and exhausting, and in our case, leaving little energy or capacity for work or personal relationships. Finally, it’s worth noting that it can also be an expensive process and the financial strain and stress just adds to the mix, really.
- What has been your experience of working at LSE whilst undergoing the fertility journey?
I have found my working life incredibly challenging whilst undergoing our (my partner’s and my) IVF and infertility journey. I experienced depression and anxiety that made it hard for me to give my best to my work or to feel engaged or invested in it (and I’m someone who usually feels a great deal of motivation and pride for/in my work). It was genuinely just hard to function on a day-to-day basis. At one stage in my journey, I was signed off by my GP for 2 months with depression.
Aside from this, it was helpful to me that my manager was flexible and supportive, in particular with the time I needed for appointments associated with treatment, and this took away much of the logistical stress from balancing work and treatments. I also tried as far as possible to plan my treatment cycles around times that work was not as intense, and where I could also take some annual leave. This was part of a learning process, as the first cycle I went through was at an exceptionally busy time both work-wise and personally (not ideal!) and the whole process felt more stressful than in subsequent cycles, where I tried to plan for slightly less busier times in the year. Whilst this type of logistical planning isn’t always possible, it’s certainly worth trying for.
- What advice would you give your manager about talking to staff in relation to fertility issues?
I think my answer to this is very dependent on the relationship the manager has to the member of staff and how much the staff member wants to talk about this (sensitive) subject.
From my side, I find it helpful to be asked how I’m doing and how I can be supported through the journey. I think asking at key points in the treatment could also be helpful (again, subject to the caveat above, as some people are more private and don’t want to talk/share). I think, additionally, bringing into the open a discussion about the impact it could have on work and discussion around flexible working/workload reduction (if possible) during treatment could be very helpful, too. It’s always helpful, too, as per this guide, not to make any assumptions based on prior knowledge or experience and to be an active listener with curiosity and genuine interest in the individual staff member’s journey.
- Are there any particular tips you’d give to colleagues on how to support you and other people who are experiencing fertility issues/undergoing fertility treatments?
I think this depends again on what may have been shared with colleagues but for the purpose of the question and – assuming someone has shared the information with their colleagues – I would probably give a similar answer to the above and say asking how they are doing and holding space if they want to talk could help. It’s also helpful to avoid (toxic) positivity and sharing experiences of friends or family who may have been successful via the fertility treatment processes. Despite it being well-intentioned, I would avoid phrases such as ‘I’m sure it will all work out’, ‘Just relax and stay positive’. The reality is, there is no guarantee or certainty it will all work out, so it’s really just better to listen with empathy and let the person know you see and hear them, and acknowledge what they are going through must be hard. I would also suggest sensitivity in pregnancy announcements or e.g. bring babies into the workplace (again, if you are aware of the person going through treatment, of course!). Announcing things in front of others can be difficult, so it could be helpful to text or email that person first, to allow them to process in private. A ‘heads up’ if a baby is being brought into the workspace can also be helpful, to allow someone to prepare themselves or be able to decide how much they want to engage.
- Is there anything else you’d like to share?
If you are someone going through the process, I know that I found journals such as the ‘IVF Positivity Planner’ helpful for me. A friend gifted it to me, and it was useful.
I also found it helpful to follow accounts on social media of either clinics or others going through the process, as it helped me feel validated and ‘seen’ in a lot of the feelings I was having, which other friends and family were unable to understand or relate to.